Alone

I often times feel so very alone. Even though I am surrounded by people that love me. I can't help it. I have these moments where I feel like nothing can be fixed. There is nothing that anyone can say or do. I just need to feel it out. I know that I am not alone in this world. I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life that love and care for me. But lately, I have just had this feeling of worthlessness and lonliness. I can't seem to shake it. Has been going on for a little over a week now. Yesterday was the Columbine anniversary and it has struck me hard this year. Part of it is my own fault. I got so wrapped up in watching clips of Eric and Dylan on youtube. And then when I got home I watched Bowling For Columbine... which I usually do on that day every year. I had nightmares all night about murder... blood everywhere. I did not finish the movie last night. But I will not be watching the rest of it tonight. The one year mark is also coming up for the events that happened with my mother. I just feel lost right now. I can't explain it, and I don't know how to fix it. I think that I do it to myself many times. But once my brain starts on something, it is hard for me to turn it off. I become obsessive to the point of driving myself crazy. And without Scott here to stop me, he usually was pretty good of making me snap out of it, I feel like I am sinking. I consider many of you my good friends... but Scott was not only my boyfriend. He truely was my best friend. He understood me like no one else did. And in times like these... I miss him very very much.

I didn't want to post this... I have been debating for a week if I should post how I have been feeling. I am not looking for sympathy. I guess I really just wanted to get it out.