Now I know that my life is not that bad. I really am tired of complaining to everyone all the time. I hate that my blog has turned into a pity party for me. I know that it could be much worse then it is. But damn it, I am so tired of being stressed out. And it seems that everyday it is something else that is stressing me out!!!
Last night... wait, let me correct that. This morning at 2:30 Scott decided to tell me that he had his first over the phone job interview with the people in Florida. He said that he should be having another phone interview this week and if that guy likes him, he will be flying out for an interview. Now, they are offering him $5,000 to move. They are also offering to pay $5,000 of his student loans a year and to pay for him to go back to school if he wants to. Now, I know what a good deal this is. I would never tell him not to take it. But, he wants me to move with him. He said that it doesn't have to be permenant. That we could just rent our house out to either his mother or his father. But I have major problems with this. Let's see. Where do I start.
1. I do not want to move somewhere where I have no friends or family. I moved to Louisiana to be with my dad when he got sick. He is doing good now, but I do not want to leave him. He means the world to me and even though I have been acused of not being a good daughter...several times, I still love my father and can not imagine being that far away from him again.
2. I love my job. I have a very unique job. My pay isn't the best, but it is a state job which is known to have awesome benefits, and I do! If I leave, I will also be leaving all that behind and I can not be reasurred that when I come back I will be rehired here. I have formed relationships here with my co-workers and also the students. I am looking forward to watching them grow up and graduate. I plan on staying here a long time.
3. I have moved around my whole life. I am tired of it and just want to be settled. When I got my house I planned on it being home for a very long time.
4. My best friend just had a baby. I am his godmother. I planned on being a big part of his life. I want to be there to watch him grow up. I fear sometimes that I may never have kids of my own, so my godchildren are very important to me. I do not want to leave them behind.
I am sure that I could come up with more reasons that I don't want to leave. But you get the point. There is only one reason I would go and that is for Scott. And please don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart. So, does that make me a bad person for not wanting to go with him? It seems that this just the way it goes. It seems that the men always seem to get jobs elsewhere or get transfered and we, as women are just suposed to follow. Well, I do not agree with that at all. I am happy here and that doesn't mean that I couldn't be happy in Florida. But, I just really don't want to leave. But I keep thinking about it. There is a small part of me that kinda wants to go, but my heart tells me that I really wouldn't be happy there. My gut is telling me that I should stay for all the reason's I listed plus many more. I am just so confused. I don't want to lose Scott,but I also don't think that I can handle him being gone. He just got home from being gone for two years. I don't want to have a long distance relationship, but it seems so aweful to break up because of a wonderful job offer. Well, I mean, I guess I am jumping the gun a bit. He hasn't even gotten the job yet. But that is just me. I worry about EVERYTHING! Just in my nature!
But anyways! To get my mind off all the crap, I am going to go see Uree this weekend! I can't wait! I know that Simon and the ghetto mattress miss me!!!!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Animal Lovin..... So Wrong..... So Funny
Time for some laughs on my blog... don't ya think?
The one that really bothers me is the one of the kid getting humped by the dog! No one tries to help the poor kid!!!!
The one that really bothers me is the one of the kid getting humped by the dog! No one tries to help the poor kid!!!!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Home Again
So, I got home from my trip Friday. I have been in a funk since Thursday. Too many thoughts going through my head. I don't really feel like being social and I am tired of feeling sad. But, I think I just need to "feel" this out and then I will be back to my cheery happy self again. I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. Not entirely sure what caused it this time. I am too overwhelmed by life and have too many things to think about.
Want to hear the latest on my plate.... My boyfriend has found out that there are no jobs here in Louisiana for him. Even if he finishes that extra year of school. My uncle is a pilot and has been filling his head with thoughts of moving to Colorado. Now I am being pressured to leave. I don't want to. I have moved around my whole entire life. When I got my house, I figured that would be it. I was "home". But I would be lying if a part of me isn't considering it. I would love to be near my brother and sister. But, at the same time I can't imagine leaving my home here in Louisiana. My dad means the world to me. My best friend just had a baby. And I was looking forward to being a major part of his life. All my godchildren are here. Plus all my other friends here. I don't think that I could possibly ever find a "Melissa" in Colorado!!!! I am so confused and really just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
Oh and then, yesterday we go buy a new Christmas tree. A fiber optic one. It was really cute, we decorated it and everything. Well, it fucking breaks!!!!! It is raining and nasty outside. SOOOOOOOoo, when it stops raining, we will have to take ALL the ornaments off the tree bring it back, get a new one and redecorate it!!! This is my life lately! Nothing works out!
I am tired of complaining. I will stop now.
Want to hear the latest on my plate.... My boyfriend has found out that there are no jobs here in Louisiana for him. Even if he finishes that extra year of school. My uncle is a pilot and has been filling his head with thoughts of moving to Colorado. Now I am being pressured to leave. I don't want to. I have moved around my whole entire life. When I got my house, I figured that would be it. I was "home". But I would be lying if a part of me isn't considering it. I would love to be near my brother and sister. But, at the same time I can't imagine leaving my home here in Louisiana. My dad means the world to me. My best friend just had a baby. And I was looking forward to being a major part of his life. All my godchildren are here. Plus all my other friends here. I don't think that I could possibly ever find a "Melissa" in Colorado!!!! I am so confused and really just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
Oh and then, yesterday we go buy a new Christmas tree. A fiber optic one. It was really cute, we decorated it and everything. Well, it fucking breaks!!!!! It is raining and nasty outside. SOOOOOOOoo, when it stops raining, we will have to take ALL the ornaments off the tree bring it back, get a new one and redecorate it!!! This is my life lately! Nothing works out!
I am tired of complaining. I will stop now.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Broken
My heart is broken. I know that many think that I am on a "vacation". But to me, it is not a vacation. It is coming home. And it gets harder and harder each time I come back. I have so many different emotions surrounding this place. It was nice to show Scott where I lived.... all of the different places here. But it is hard for many reasons as yall know.
Seeing my brother and sister was amazing. My little brother is finally starting to bond with me and trust me and now I don't know how long it will be until I am able to see them again. The kids have been back with their father since November 9th and all the hard work that my grandmother and aunt and the community did for those kids is down the drain in two weeks. They have completely gone back to the broken children that they were when they moved in with my grandparents. It is a very hard thing to see. It breaks my heart. But I am thankful that their dad is letting us be a part of their lives. It was very hard seeing him. He met us half way to drop off the kids. When I got out of the car he asked me how I was. I really didn't know what to do, so I hugged him. I mean, it is very complicated emotions. He and I also have a history that wasn't all bad. He understood many of the things I went through with mom in the past. He and I were very close at one point in time. But I can't ignore all the things that he did to my mother. His new wife was in the truck both times we dropped the kids off. I smiled at her... but got nothing in return. Whatever... And the kids talk about things with us that kinda makes you think what the hell is really going on up there. But there is nothing that can be done. For whatever reason social services thinks it is the best place for them. We will see in time what happens. The kids are now allowed to send a receive letters from mom. But their councilors give the kids their letters in their sessions. I guess to see how they react. Mom called once while I was here. She did not want to talk to me and told us not to visit. She said it is too hard to see us walk away after the visit. Her choice. But she will regret it I am sure. We drove past where she is a couple of times. It was very hard to think that we were so close, out having fun and she is where she is.
Tomorrow is turkey day. I will be seeing some of my family that I haven't seen in about 7 years. I am nervous. Not sure why, but I am. I am looking forward to eating though! Of course! Scott is going to be helping my grandmother cook. She is excited about that.
This week has gone by so fast. I hope that everyone has a good thanksgiving!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Seeing my brother and sister was amazing. My little brother is finally starting to bond with me and trust me and now I don't know how long it will be until I am able to see them again. The kids have been back with their father since November 9th and all the hard work that my grandmother and aunt and the community did for those kids is down the drain in two weeks. They have completely gone back to the broken children that they were when they moved in with my grandparents. It is a very hard thing to see. It breaks my heart. But I am thankful that their dad is letting us be a part of their lives. It was very hard seeing him. He met us half way to drop off the kids. When I got out of the car he asked me how I was. I really didn't know what to do, so I hugged him. I mean, it is very complicated emotions. He and I also have a history that wasn't all bad. He understood many of the things I went through with mom in the past. He and I were very close at one point in time. But I can't ignore all the things that he did to my mother. His new wife was in the truck both times we dropped the kids off. I smiled at her... but got nothing in return. Whatever... And the kids talk about things with us that kinda makes you think what the hell is really going on up there. But there is nothing that can be done. For whatever reason social services thinks it is the best place for them. We will see in time what happens. The kids are now allowed to send a receive letters from mom. But their councilors give the kids their letters in their sessions. I guess to see how they react. Mom called once while I was here. She did not want to talk to me and told us not to visit. She said it is too hard to see us walk away after the visit. Her choice. But she will regret it I am sure. We drove past where she is a couple of times. It was very hard to think that we were so close, out having fun and she is where she is.
Tomorrow is turkey day. I will be seeing some of my family that I haven't seen in about 7 years. I am nervous. Not sure why, but I am. I am looking forward to eating though! Of course! Scott is going to be helping my grandmother cook. She is excited about that.
This week has gone by so fast. I hope that everyone has a good thanksgiving!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Confused
I have been so upside down lately. I just don't know what to do or how to feel about certain things in my life at the moment. I have been an emotional basket case for a week. I am trying to snap out of it. I don't like being so emotional all the time. I am seriously crying at every little thing.
First, of course are the issues I am having with my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. But I just feel sometimes that we aren't connected like we used to be. I fear that us being apart for so long has created this problem. I also think that I expect too much from him at times. And I also do not allow him the things that a man should have. He pretty much has no say so in the household things. I am a little too bossy. I know all of these things, but I don't know how to change that part of myself. I have been doing it alone for two years. I am pretty set in how I do things, and now it is all disrupted. He is in New Mexico right now. I kinda like having the bed all to myself again. But I do miss him. I am confused as to what is going on with us right now.
Then, I am also frustrated about money. Who isn't? But my homeowners insurance has over doubled. They say that the rates have gone up because of hurricane Katrina and all the people that did not have insurance is causing our insurance to go up. Well, that just sucks! I mean, I know that I will be fine. But still. I am also helping my boyfriend with money from another situation that we have to take care of, and I am also helping my best friend because she just had a baby and needs a little help. I totally don't mind helping her. I am just way to stressed.
Then, Friday my ex-step dad got the kids back. I talked to my aunt today. She said that my little sister was very excited to go home, but that my little brother was very angry. I think that he is happy to go home, but he has been surrounded by anger his whole life and doesn't know how to really have any other emotion when serious things happen. But, I do worry about him. He told his councilor that he was scared to go home because if something else happens, he won't know what to do. A 9 year old should not be worried about these things. My heart is just so torn. I don't know how to feel towards my ex-step dad and his new wife. My aunt and grandmother went to visit my mother last week. She has said that she doesn't want me to go see her. She doesn't want me to see her like that. Whatever. I saw her two times last time I went home. I think that my last letter upset her. And my aunt did say that my mom and grandma did talk about me in their last visit, but she does not know what mom said. I think that is b.s. I think that she doesn't want my feelings to be hurt. But, I am tired of information being kept from me. I deserve to know. Mom is also upset because her fricken lawyer has changed AGAIN! Trial is in January, and she just got another lawyer. I have a feeling that trial may be postponed. How could it not!?!? I am excited to go home, but I am nervous. I am nervous about seeing my ex-step dad and to meet his new wife. I am also nervous about mom. I really want to go see her, but I don't want to fight with her either. But, I can not wait to hug my brother and hold my sister in my arms. I miss them so much.
Well, I am going to end with that. I am at work, and now have tears welling up in my eyes..... again. I am tired of this. I am tired of feeling so bad. I need to get happy!
First, of course are the issues I am having with my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. But I just feel sometimes that we aren't connected like we used to be. I fear that us being apart for so long has created this problem. I also think that I expect too much from him at times. And I also do not allow him the things that a man should have. He pretty much has no say so in the household things. I am a little too bossy. I know all of these things, but I don't know how to change that part of myself. I have been doing it alone for two years. I am pretty set in how I do things, and now it is all disrupted. He is in New Mexico right now. I kinda like having the bed all to myself again. But I do miss him. I am confused as to what is going on with us right now.
Then, I am also frustrated about money. Who isn't? But my homeowners insurance has over doubled. They say that the rates have gone up because of hurricane Katrina and all the people that did not have insurance is causing our insurance to go up. Well, that just sucks! I mean, I know that I will be fine. But still. I am also helping my boyfriend with money from another situation that we have to take care of, and I am also helping my best friend because she just had a baby and needs a little help. I totally don't mind helping her. I am just way to stressed.
Then, Friday my ex-step dad got the kids back. I talked to my aunt today. She said that my little sister was very excited to go home, but that my little brother was very angry. I think that he is happy to go home, but he has been surrounded by anger his whole life and doesn't know how to really have any other emotion when serious things happen. But, I do worry about him. He told his councilor that he was scared to go home because if something else happens, he won't know what to do. A 9 year old should not be worried about these things. My heart is just so torn. I don't know how to feel towards my ex-step dad and his new wife. My aunt and grandmother went to visit my mother last week. She has said that she doesn't want me to go see her. She doesn't want me to see her like that. Whatever. I saw her two times last time I went home. I think that my last letter upset her. And my aunt did say that my mom and grandma did talk about me in their last visit, but she does not know what mom said. I think that is b.s. I think that she doesn't want my feelings to be hurt. But, I am tired of information being kept from me. I deserve to know. Mom is also upset because her fricken lawyer has changed AGAIN! Trial is in January, and she just got another lawyer. I have a feeling that trial may be postponed. How could it not!?!? I am excited to go home, but I am nervous. I am nervous about seeing my ex-step dad and to meet his new wife. I am also nervous about mom. I really want to go see her, but I don't want to fight with her either. But, I can not wait to hug my brother and hold my sister in my arms. I miss them so much.
Well, I am going to end with that. I am at work, and now have tears welling up in my eyes..... again. I am tired of this. I am tired of feeling so bad. I need to get happy!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
New Angel
My new godchild. Little booger just couldn't wait to come out! My friend was scheduled to be induced Tuesday, her water broke Monday 3:30 pm. They had to do an emergency C-section. His cord was wrapped around his shoulder. But, everything was fine until tonight. They were suposed to come home today, but the baby spit up a little bit of blood. So they had to pump his little stomach out with saline, there was no blood. But they are keeping him to make sure that there are no more problems. But, isn't he beautiful? I know that he will be VERY spoiled!! I am just worried about him and my friend right now. I know that she must be very scared.
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