Confused

I have been so upside down lately. I just don't know what to do or how to feel about certain things in my life at the moment. I have been an emotional basket case for a week. I am trying to snap out of it. I don't like being so emotional all the time. I am seriously crying at every little thing.

First, of course are the issues I am having with my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. But I just feel sometimes that we aren't connected like we used to be. I fear that us being apart for so long has created this problem. I also think that I expect too much from him at times. And I also do not allow him the things that a man should have. He pretty much has no say so in the household things. I am a little too bossy. I know all of these things, but I don't know how to change that part of myself. I have been doing it alone for two years. I am pretty set in how I do things, and now it is all disrupted. He is in New Mexico right now. I kinda like having the bed all to myself again. But I do miss him. I am confused as to what is going on with us right now.

Then, I am also frustrated about money. Who isn't? But my homeowners insurance has over doubled. They say that the rates have gone up because of hurricane Katrina and all the people that did not have insurance is causing our insurance to go up. Well, that just sucks! I mean, I know that I will be fine. But still. I am also helping my boyfriend with money from another situation that we have to take care of, and I am also helping my best friend because she just had a baby and needs a little help. I totally don't mind helping her. I am just way to stressed.

Then, Friday my ex-step dad got the kids back. I talked to my aunt today. She said that my little sister was very excited to go home, but that my little brother was very angry. I think that he is happy to go home, but he has been surrounded by anger his whole life and doesn't know how to really have any other emotion when serious things happen. But, I do worry about him. He told his councilor that he was scared to go home because if something else happens, he won't know what to do. A 9 year old should not be worried about these things. My heart is just so torn. I don't know how to feel towards my ex-step dad and his new wife. My aunt and grandmother went to visit my mother last week. She has said that she doesn't want me to go see her. She doesn't want me to see her like that. Whatever. I saw her two times last time I went home. I think that my last letter upset her. And my aunt did say that my mom and grandma did talk about me in their last visit, but she does not know what mom said. I think that is b.s. I think that she doesn't want my feelings to be hurt. But, I am tired of information being kept from me. I deserve to know. Mom is also upset because her fricken lawyer has changed AGAIN! Trial is in January, and she just got another lawyer. I have a feeling that trial may be postponed. How could it not!?!? I am excited to go home, but I am nervous. I am nervous about seeing my ex-step dad and to meet his new wife. I am also nervous about mom. I really want to go see her, but I don't want to fight with her either. But, I can not wait to hug my brother and hold my sister in my arms. I miss them so much.

Well, I am going to end with that. I am at work, and now have tears welling up in my eyes..... again. I am tired of this. I am tired of feeling so bad. I need to get happy!