I Will Remember You

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

~Sarah McLachlan

About to Burst

I don't know how much longer I can continue... I am so tired. Things at work are so stressful. Things at home are beyond stressful. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore. I am to tired.

I am having one of my bad days today. And of course I am at work alone. Not that it would really matter if someone were here... I prob wouldn't talk to them anyways.

Scott's parents are driving me nuts. I love them both. But they need to cut the crap and worry about the one thing that is important right now, and that is Scott. I am seriously about to go crazy. I feel like they want me to take sides, and I can't. They only side I am on, is Scott's side. I want what is best for him. I want what he wants. No matter who thinks it is this or that... IT IS WHAT HE WANTED! I wish that he would have written a will. Then we would not have to worry about all this crap to begin with. But we thought that we would have more time for that....

Then, I find out today that one of my cousins wants to come see Scott... and I am thinking.... um..... NO! When Scott and I broke up, he told me "Good, we never really liked Scott to start with." Well, why the hell are you wanting to come see him now? I told him no, that he couldn't come. Plus, Scott is starting to get extremely agitated. He asked some of his friends to leave the other day. That is the first time he has done that. Then last night he was trying to tell me that he wanted me to build him a "box". What he meant is that he wants to be in a smaller room. I think that he is getting overwhelmed and overstimulated being in the living room. So, last night I got him to get in the bed with me. But, that means that I got no sleep last night. But that is OK. I just want him to be comfortable. But he wakes up at least once every two hours. Sometimes he will just stand up out of the bed like he needs to go somewhere. Sometimes he actually tries to walk away, when he can't because he is connected to stuff that we have to carry when he wants to walk around, which in itself is becoming more and more difficult as he is getting weaker and weaker.

OK, I don't even know the point of this post. I am just having an icky day and felt like getting some of it out... and I don't feel like talking to anyone.

... I miss my mom a lot right now... I wish that she could be here with me.

Back From Dollypop

Normally when I get back from a trip, I document it here day by day. I am not going to do this for this trip... I had fun. I want to say BIG thank you to you know who.... without her, I would have not gone on the trip to begin with. It was very hard for me to leave Scott and I cried almost the whole way to Melissa's house the day we left. But I was so happy to be in the company of such great people. Shelly, the first night we were there you and I stayed up and talked and talked. It really helped a lot. Your kiddo also brought me lots of smiles during the trip! She is an amazing kid!!!! I am almost jealous of what the two of you have. Ollie, you are such a beautiful woman, inside and out. I am so happy that we are friends!!


But I have to take some time to give a big thank you to Guy... I am really happy that Melissa and Guy were able to work things out. I know how much you two love each other... now you just need to stick together!!! But, the reason I want to thank Guy is that he helped me and Scott's family in a huge way. He has helped us with an urn for Scott for when he passes. I got it in the mail on Saturday, and it is gorgeous. And it really touched my heart that a man that I have only physically hung out with three times would be so generous. It means so much to Scott's family and I.



A lil update on Scott....

At this point we are doing our best to make him comfortable. He sleeps most of the time. When he wakes up, he is confused and gets easily agitated and has started to hallucinate. He has started to ask us questions about him dying... it is very hard to take in. He still knows who we are, so that is a good thing.

Also, his grandmother died today. She had lung cancer. I have only been a part of this family for 5 years, and it is hard for me. I can not imagine what the rest of the family is dealing with right now. I feel so badly for Scott's dad. What a horrible hand he has been dealt.

RIP MaPat... you were a feisty woman that never held her tongue! You will be greatly missed.

I don't know why

I don't know why... but everything in my mood has changed. I am not a happy person at this point in my life. I see everything differently now.

Update

I have not updated in so long. I don't really think that many people read my blog anymore anyways... just a couple of yall. But, most of you already know most of what is going on.

Scott went into the hospital two weeks ago today for severe pain, cramping, and nausea. He does have another bowel obstruction and has not gone to the bathroom in almost three weeks now. The doctors have told us that at this point, all they can do is make him comfortable. They are saying he has two to three months left to live. Pretty big thing to swallow for all of us, but I can not imagine how he feels.

So, we rode out the hurricane in the hospital. We were only without power there for 28 hours. So, we were very very lucky. But, it was a horrible night that Monday night. Scott got very sick, and I was trying so hard to tend to him and care for him. But it was so hot. He says that I did a wonderful job, I just did the best I could. My house was not damaged and I got power back five days after the storm. There are still so many people without power and people that lost everything. I know that I am very lucky.

We brought Scott home from the hospital yesterday. The car ride was not fun. He started to become a little car sick, then once I got off the interstate and hit a small bump on one of the roads, it threw his back into spasms. When we got home, we had to get the neighbor to help us get him inside. Once he was inside though, he started to calm down and feel better. They set him home with a PCA pump, which has his pain medicine in it. The hospice nurse came out last night and met us and assessed Scott. She was nice... but she talked a lot! We had a hospital bed delivered to the house and got it set up in the living room. It is ancient, but it does the trick! Another nurse is heading out to the house tonight to hook up his TPN, which is his IV nourishment because he can not eat due to the obstruction, he can not digest food. So, that is pretty much where we are at right now. We had a few problems with hospice getting the TPN. They do not pay for it, but somehow Scott's doctor was able to get it for him. We were told it is temporary. But we will take what we can get at this point!

So, back to work today. With Scott home, I am hoping to get back into some kind of routine again. His mom is staying with us. So that is an adjustment as well. But I am very happy to have her there to help. She cooked dinner last night and this morning woke up and helped pick up the tree limbs out of my yard. It was funny, she went out to start, then came back in saying, "Your yard is a lot bigger then it looks!" LOL

Anyways, that is it in a nutshell. Of course I could type on and on and on. But this is good enough. I will leave ya with a lil pic Scott and I took playing on his new computer. He is sooooo fuzzy! He says that he is not shaving or cutting his hair ever again.

Tear Jerker

My co-worker showed me this song tonight. If you know the story about the Chapman family... you may have heard this song. It is really horrible what has happened to them. But this song is beautiful. And if I were to get married... I would dance with my father to this song.

Days Like Today

It is days like today that I wish I had my mother near me. There are certain times in our lives when we just need the affection of our parents. My father is pretty much incapable of showing me emotion. He tells me that he loves me and takes care of me in every way that he knows how. But being emotional support is something that he does not know how to do. Right now, there is nothing more that I can think of that I want then a hug from my mother. Even though she has not always been there for me like a mother should, doesn't mean that I still don't need her. I wish that things would have gone differently in her life so that she could be here for her children when we need her the most.

Scared

Well, Scott was going to be heading home tomorrow. But he called me this evening telling me that he is back in the hospital. Another bowel obstruction. So, he may need another surgery. I am starting to get really scared that he will not get well enough to come home. I hate that he is so far from me. I just want to be there for him. I know that there is nothing I can really do, but I can be support. I love him and hate that he is so far from me.

It's Coming.... I See It

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I learned about this group a little over a year ago, The Rogue Traders. They are from Australia and they are AMAZING!!! Well, I had kind of forgotten about them. And since I am in the US, I didn't know that they had a new album out. Well, I am in love with this new song!!!Seriously! The beat, the words, everything about it I love. It is called What You're On. I have been listening to it non-stop all week!!

The fuckers have the embedding code disabled... go here to listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Kru4kOeSzQ&feature=related

Update

I know that I have been very distant from everyone. I am sorry. But, I just don't feel like myself lately. I am really struggling with everything in my world right now. I randomly burst into tears without any notice... have been drinking more then normal... and partaking in activities that are not at all like me. I am seeing now how I am dealing with my stress all wrong. And I know that I said I would go talk to someone and I still have not done so. But I plan on it very soon. After the weekend I had, it is very obvious that I need it.

For those that don't know. Scott is back in the hospital. He started throwing up Sunday and could not stop. They said that his intestines have telescoped... which means they have folded over each other like how a telescope folds down. Well, yesterday he said that he was feeling better and that the doctors believed that it would correct itself. If not, they will have to open him up again to correct it. Then, he calls today and says that he now also has pneumonia and has begun throwing up again. He is not in good spirits right now... and is not taking my calls. Says he wants to be alone. I understand, but it hurts me so much. I want nothing more then to be able to be there with him. I still can not believe that this is all happening...

To the Moon and Back

Lyrics

My mom, sister and I always say "To the moon and back" as a way of saying I love you. Well, I found this song. Find it quite interesting. I can relate to it in a way. But I also know that my mother can also relate to it for different reasons. I am sending her the lyrics today... along with other songs about the moon. Her and her pen pal write "Full Moon Fantasy" letters to each other every month. So, if yall know of other songs about the moon, or fantasy... let me know!

The #1 Twerp

I love my teddybear.

Los Angeles Haggin Day One

Melissa and I arrived in Los Angeles around 4:30 pm. Ollie met us at the baggage claim! We were soooo excited to see her!!! We got our bags and headed to the hotel. The traffic was HORRIBLE. So, it took us about an hour to get there. But once we got there, it was time to get ready for the art opening!!!

So, off to the show we went. James met us outside, all excited to see us. He really made my day when he noticed that I highlighted my hair!!! He told me that I looked like Marsha Brady tho... haha. Anyways, so he got us in. There were not really that many people there when we first got there. But we were just so happy to BE there that it didn't matter. This is what we walked into!!! YAY!!

We got our drinks and then we walked around and looked at the art. We found one that looked just like our Liam!!!!

Then it was picture time! I love these girlies so so much!!



And of course we got to meet some peeps we have seen and talked to over the net!! First of all, beautiful Lenora. She is so much more stunning in person. her skin is like porcelain. She is so sweet too. OMG, just so nice!!

And I met Debbie Rotkowitz. She took the Sarahan pictures that we have all seen of James. She has also shot Clint Catalyst and Daniel Franzese plus many more. She is a total sweetheart.

We also met Tharin, Randy, and of course.... Steven Corfe!!! Melissa was in HEAVEN! But, I would say that the highlight of the first night was when Mike Boogie came into the gallery. Mike Boogie was on Big Brother 2 and he was also the winner of Big Brother All Stars. So, OK. I see him. I turn to Melissa and say, hey... that guy looks like Mike Boogie. Melissa says, OMG that is Mike Boogie!!! She then, with no warning screams "BOOOOOOOOGGGIIIEEEE"! The whole gallery pauses with silence... and then here comes James running with his Freak Show mic to interview him. And you can see the rest on the Daily Freak Show. After the show we went and ate burgers at Lucky Devils. They were YUMMY! Then back to the hotel for nighty night time. It was an amazing night!!

Los Angeles Haggin Day Two

Day two started with us going to pick up James and his box of goodies for us to go through. We really didn't have to many things planned for the day. Melissa wanted to go to The Viper Room where River Phoenix died.

Here is where he took his last breath.... James and Melissa reinacted it for us.

We knew that we wanted to go to Crumbs for cupcakes though... but we were informed that Sprinkles really does make a better cupcake... so off to Sprinkles we went.

After our day of running around, we went back to the hotel to get ready for the True Colors show. I was pumped!! So fricken excited to see the B-52's! I mean, Cyndi too, but I love love love the B-52's!!! Here we are, ready to gooooo!!!


The concert was AMAZING!!! James and Michael Luccid came with us. We had a BLAST! Melissa even got a little tipsy!! When we got there, Andy Bell was singing. He did a great job. Then Wanda Sykes did some comedy. Then the B-52's came out!! OMG, they were amazing. I can't even explain. Rock Lobster was the last song they did. I totally went nuts when it started. It was AMAZING!!! Cyndi also did an amazing job. Her sister was there with her playing guitar. It was lots of fun!!! But then poor Ollie got sick on the way home. I felt so bad for her. But once she got a little food in her and got some sleep, she felt better.