The Things That Bring Me Joy

Lately this is what makes me smile.... and how could it not. My godchildren bring a lot of joy in my life. I have four of them! Last weekend Britton and Gibson stayed with me.

"I'm a little teapot..."


Britton LOVES the drums... and no, this wasn't at my house. This was at his neighbor's house. He couldn't believe that they were letting him play them for so long. He loved the symbols!

Sweet Letters

So, tonight before I left for work I grabbed a book off the bookshlef to bring with me because I had already finished all my work earlier in the week... and I am so bored in here at night! Well, what would be the chance that the book I grabbed had two letters in it from Scott? Old letters from the first time I broke up with him because he was doing nothing with his life... and then he ended up going to college because of it. I would like to share one of the letters. It shows the sweet side of Scott that very few people knew.

Dear Alexiss,
I just want to take a moment here to thank you for all that you've done for me. I thank thee for all the most wonderful times we spent together. You have brought something very special to me, a chance to be loved and cared for like no one else has ever done. Thank you for always being there for me, being by my side when I needed you most. With you there with me when I found out about Patrick meant and means so much to me. When I found out I had cancer, you were there holding my hand, with you there I didn't care as long as I had you with me. You stayed with me for both surgeries and that made things go much easier for me. You were there right before I had surgery holding my hand by my side and you were there when I woke up doing the same thing. Thank you for always being there for me. I especially want to thank you for giving me a chance to love and be loved. Thank you ever so much for putting up with so much shit. Thank you for giving me a good reason to live. You have been very patient with me thru thick and thin. I want to thank you from deep in my heart for every little thing that you have done. I want to keep writing but its late and I have lots to do tomorrow. You start school tomorrow and I want to wish you the best of luck and I know that you are going to do so well. Alexiss, thank you so much for being you, I love you and always will love you. You are my special woman, you are my hummingbird.
Forever Love,
Scott

My Lil Dragon

So... I am a little late posting these... but here are the ADORABLE pics of my godchild Caden on Halloween in the cutest costume EVER! <3

One Month

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

It has been one month today that we lost Scott. I miss him so much. But it gets easier everyday. I am so lucky to be surrounded by people that love me, and that includes my cyber family!! Everyone has been so supportive! I couldn't ask for a better group of friends!

Here are some silly pics that Scott took when he was bored in the hospital. Such a goofball... he never lost that twerpy side of him that I loved so much. Even down to the last days he was calling his brother pussy lips. LOL




this one is my fav...

Still Blue

It has been such a busy week for me. Work is absolutely INSANE! I almost can't take it anymore. But I am going to stick it out for now. But next week I start the graveyard shift. I will be working 11-8. It is temporary... or so they say. We will see.

I went to Scott's brother's house on Tuesday to get some of his ashes. It was such an eerie feeling when I was pouring some into the small urn that I bought. I am happy that I was able to recieve some of his ashes from his family. But, I have not been able to pick up the urn since I brought it home. I often find myself just looking at it. I miss him so much. I don't want people to think that I am just dwelling on this... but I don't think that I will ever get over losing him. It just isn't fair.



Yesterday was my godchild's first birthday. I can not believe it! He hated his cake though!!!! Ain't he adorable? He has a natural mohawk!! I fucking LOVE it!!!! Makes me think of Scott! Tomorrow I am going trick or treating with him. So, I will be posting a blog soon with piccies of him in the costume I got him! YAY!

Scott the Tin-Man

Scott's brother Andrew and his friend Corey wrote this song and dedicated it to Scott. It is a "rough" copy... but it is a really good song. Both of these guys are so talented! I love them dearly.

http://www.tk101.com/cc-common/artist_submission/player.html?art=204648&gateway=exiting

And here is the tattoo that inspired the title. This was the tattoo artist's very first tattoo!! Can you believe it? He did a very good job for it being his first tattoo. It was my fav of Scott's tattoos. Two of his brothers have gotten this tattooed on them since he passed and Corey is getting it also. Matt got STRP on the top hat. That was Scott's nick name.

Miss Him

Story of Us

Scott and I met when I was working at McDonalds. I had just broken up with my ex boyfriend of five years. The first thing about Scott that I noticed was all his tattoos. His friend was sort of seeing my cousin, so I asked her if she could "hook it up". But I told her that I wanted nothing serious because I had just broken up with Stave. I just really wanted a guy to have some fun with! So, one night I invited him to the house to hang out. We went to the little bar that Amanda was working at and had a couple of beers. Then, we went on a "real" date with my cousin and Scott's friend. See, Scott was supposed to be moving to Alaska to live with his brother in a month. So, in my eyes it couldn't have been more prefect. I just wanted to have some fun, and he was leaving anyways. But, on August 9, 2003 we found out after staying up all night that his best friend, Patrick had passed away. It was on that same day that Scott told me that he did not want to move to Alaska and that he wanted to stay in Louisiana to be with me. We worked together at McDonalds for about a year.



The first year of our relationship was full of ups and downs. We were using drugs at this time. But, when I decided to go to nursing school, I knew that my life was going to have to change. Scott was not ready for this change... but little did we know, his life was about to change more then we knew.



In August of 2004 we noticed that he had a lump under his arm. At first we thought it was a swollen sweat gland. We were putting hot compresses on it. But it began to grow..... fast. So, his mother took him to see their doctor. I won't go into every step we had to take during this process... but it was not easy or fast by any means. Scott did not have insurance, so he had to go to Earl K Long for treatment. By the time they removed the mass, it was the size of a softball. This is when they told us that he had melanoma. Of course there were tears and hugs, but we had to stay strong for when Scott woke up from his surgery. At this point I don't think it had really sunk in my brain how serious this was. It wasn't until they also decided that they needed to remove the lymph nodes on that left side as well. I started to do research on stage 3 melanoma and what I read... none of it was very good. Scott did try treatment for about a month. He was getting massive doses of interferon 5 days a week. It made him so depressed. He thought about suicide often. We were also having other personal problems during this time. It was very hard for me because I felt like it wasn't fair to break up with him while he was sick, but I also knew that I could not live with him with the way our lives were going. It had nothing to do with the cancer.... but everything to do with the drugs...

See, he had disappeared on me one weekend. He went out partying in hotels with his friends. I am not sure what they were doing... but I have a pretty good idea. He still had one more week of treatment after that. But, he had called me one night from the hotel and asked me to come out there and stay with him. So, I did. We decided that he should come home and we would work things out. We tried for a bit longer... but it just was not working. I know that he was dealing with a lot mentally. But I was going to school and trying to work and support us both and he was busy partying with his friends. So, one night I told him that I loved him with all my heart and I want to be with him. But that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he would have to prove it and do something with himself. He said that he understood and then moved in with his grandmother.

We were still dating at this point... just not living together. Well, to my surprise one night he told me that he had enrolled in college! I was so excited for him!!! But then he told me it was in Oklahoma. My heart sank a little bit. But I was happy for him and happy that he was finally doing something with all the potential that I knew he had. Of course, I let him come home before he left for school. He told me that this school worked in six week terms and that he would be able to come home often. And he did... we made it work long distance for two years.



Scott graduated August 28, 2007 with a degree in avionics electronics. I had never been so happy for him as I was on that day! He was so proud of his degree and what he knew! He would talk to me about the things he had learned, but to me it was like another language... never did understand all that electronics talk.



Scott stayed in Oklahoma for a while after graduation. The school he went to helps you find a job after you graduate. There was nothing in Louisiana that Scott wanted to do. But, in October he did come home. Some of you may remember my Halloween story of the pumpkin last year... LOL



Scott continued to look for work. Everything he could find that he really wanted to do was out of state. He always asked me to go with him, but I did not want to leave my home. I happen to love where I live and did not want to leave. Scott could not stand Louisiana and just wanted to get out. He had a pretty good offer in Florida, and I really did consider going with him. Some of yall may remember me blogging about that. But then he found this job out in Arizona and it was also where his good friend Edwin was living. So, I knew that he was going to be leaving, and he knew that I was going to be staying. He went out one night with some of his friends, and did not come home that night. I was so hurt by him and the people he was with for not calling me, that I used that as an excuse to break up with him because I knew that he was leaving anyways. But we did get to go on a trip to Colorado for Thanksgiving before we broke up. I am so happy that he was able to meet all my family there.



Scott left for Arizona around the same time as the sentencing trial for my mother. It was also Mardi Gras time. I was a basket case of emotions. But even though he was in another state, we still spoke on the phone. I always considered him my best friend. He knew me more then anyone else on this planet. All the good and the bad... he knew it all and loved me anyways. When I found out this summer that his cancer had come back, I asked him to come home. He resisted at first, until he realized that he really needed to. It has been a very hard road these last couple of months. But I do not regret anything. I feel blessed that he wanted to come home to me to die. I stuck by him the whole time he was here in the hospital. Wouldn't have done it any other way.



On Monday, Oct 6th I was at work alone. Carey called me to tell me that they thought that Scott would be passing very soon. I tried to get off work early, but no one could come take my spot. The night nurse did come in a little early and I was able to leave. When I got home, I also knew that it was going to be very soon. His temp at one point had gotten up to 107 and he was having a hard time breathing. I sat next to his bed, he just looked at me and I told him, "Don't you worry, I am right here. I am not going anywhere. I love you." I ate some food, we all talked for a bit. His uncle came over. I went and loved on him so more. Told him that it was OK to go. That if he was ready, then go. I told him that I loved him and he just stared at me. He was trying to speak but he couldn't. But I could tell by the look in his eyes what he was telling me. I told him then to close his eyes and try to get some rest and he seemed to calm down a bit. Then I sat down to eat a root beer float when his mother noticed a change in his breathing... it was happening. We were all there, around his bed. I held his hand as I watched him take his last breath. It was Oct 7th, 1:08 AM.

Scott and I have been through so much together. Good and bad... but it was all worth it. I will miss him so much. I still feel a bit in shock, because I can not imagine my life without him. He was my tedy bear and I was his hummingbird. I will miss him being a twerp to me, I will miss the little songs he used to make up for me, I will miss him holding me tight.

R.I.P. Scott

I Will Remember You

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

~Sarah McLachlan

About to Burst

I don't know how much longer I can continue... I am so tired. Things at work are so stressful. Things at home are beyond stressful. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore. I am to tired.

I am having one of my bad days today. And of course I am at work alone. Not that it would really matter if someone were here... I prob wouldn't talk to them anyways.

Scott's parents are driving me nuts. I love them both. But they need to cut the crap and worry about the one thing that is important right now, and that is Scott. I am seriously about to go crazy. I feel like they want me to take sides, and I can't. They only side I am on, is Scott's side. I want what is best for him. I want what he wants. No matter who thinks it is this or that... IT IS WHAT HE WANTED! I wish that he would have written a will. Then we would not have to worry about all this crap to begin with. But we thought that we would have more time for that....

Then, I find out today that one of my cousins wants to come see Scott... and I am thinking.... um..... NO! When Scott and I broke up, he told me "Good, we never really liked Scott to start with." Well, why the hell are you wanting to come see him now? I told him no, that he couldn't come. Plus, Scott is starting to get extremely agitated. He asked some of his friends to leave the other day. That is the first time he has done that. Then last night he was trying to tell me that he wanted me to build him a "box". What he meant is that he wants to be in a smaller room. I think that he is getting overwhelmed and overstimulated being in the living room. So, last night I got him to get in the bed with me. But, that means that I got no sleep last night. But that is OK. I just want him to be comfortable. But he wakes up at least once every two hours. Sometimes he will just stand up out of the bed like he needs to go somewhere. Sometimes he actually tries to walk away, when he can't because he is connected to stuff that we have to carry when he wants to walk around, which in itself is becoming more and more difficult as he is getting weaker and weaker.

OK, I don't even know the point of this post. I am just having an icky day and felt like getting some of it out... and I don't feel like talking to anyone.

... I miss my mom a lot right now... I wish that she could be here with me.

Back From Dollypop

Normally when I get back from a trip, I document it here day by day. I am not going to do this for this trip... I had fun. I want to say BIG thank you to you know who.... without her, I would have not gone on the trip to begin with. It was very hard for me to leave Scott and I cried almost the whole way to Melissa's house the day we left. But I was so happy to be in the company of such great people. Shelly, the first night we were there you and I stayed up and talked and talked. It really helped a lot. Your kiddo also brought me lots of smiles during the trip! She is an amazing kid!!!! I am almost jealous of what the two of you have. Ollie, you are such a beautiful woman, inside and out. I am so happy that we are friends!!


But I have to take some time to give a big thank you to Guy... I am really happy that Melissa and Guy were able to work things out. I know how much you two love each other... now you just need to stick together!!! But, the reason I want to thank Guy is that he helped me and Scott's family in a huge way. He has helped us with an urn for Scott for when he passes. I got it in the mail on Saturday, and it is gorgeous. And it really touched my heart that a man that I have only physically hung out with three times would be so generous. It means so much to Scott's family and I.



A lil update on Scott....

At this point we are doing our best to make him comfortable. He sleeps most of the time. When he wakes up, he is confused and gets easily agitated and has started to hallucinate. He has started to ask us questions about him dying... it is very hard to take in. He still knows who we are, so that is a good thing.

Also, his grandmother died today. She had lung cancer. I have only been a part of this family for 5 years, and it is hard for me. I can not imagine what the rest of the family is dealing with right now. I feel so badly for Scott's dad. What a horrible hand he has been dealt.

RIP MaPat... you were a feisty woman that never held her tongue! You will be greatly missed.

I don't know why

I don't know why... but everything in my mood has changed. I am not a happy person at this point in my life. I see everything differently now.

Update

I have not updated in so long. I don't really think that many people read my blog anymore anyways... just a couple of yall. But, most of you already know most of what is going on.

Scott went into the hospital two weeks ago today for severe pain, cramping, and nausea. He does have another bowel obstruction and has not gone to the bathroom in almost three weeks now. The doctors have told us that at this point, all they can do is make him comfortable. They are saying he has two to three months left to live. Pretty big thing to swallow for all of us, but I can not imagine how he feels.

So, we rode out the hurricane in the hospital. We were only without power there for 28 hours. So, we were very very lucky. But, it was a horrible night that Monday night. Scott got very sick, and I was trying so hard to tend to him and care for him. But it was so hot. He says that I did a wonderful job, I just did the best I could. My house was not damaged and I got power back five days after the storm. There are still so many people without power and people that lost everything. I know that I am very lucky.

We brought Scott home from the hospital yesterday. The car ride was not fun. He started to become a little car sick, then once I got off the interstate and hit a small bump on one of the roads, it threw his back into spasms. When we got home, we had to get the neighbor to help us get him inside. Once he was inside though, he started to calm down and feel better. They set him home with a PCA pump, which has his pain medicine in it. The hospice nurse came out last night and met us and assessed Scott. She was nice... but she talked a lot! We had a hospital bed delivered to the house and got it set up in the living room. It is ancient, but it does the trick! Another nurse is heading out to the house tonight to hook up his TPN, which is his IV nourishment because he can not eat due to the obstruction, he can not digest food. So, that is pretty much where we are at right now. We had a few problems with hospice getting the TPN. They do not pay for it, but somehow Scott's doctor was able to get it for him. We were told it is temporary. But we will take what we can get at this point!

So, back to work today. With Scott home, I am hoping to get back into some kind of routine again. His mom is staying with us. So that is an adjustment as well. But I am very happy to have her there to help. She cooked dinner last night and this morning woke up and helped pick up the tree limbs out of my yard. It was funny, she went out to start, then came back in saying, "Your yard is a lot bigger then it looks!" LOL

Anyways, that is it in a nutshell. Of course I could type on and on and on. But this is good enough. I will leave ya with a lil pic Scott and I took playing on his new computer. He is sooooo fuzzy! He says that he is not shaving or cutting his hair ever again.

Tear Jerker

My co-worker showed me this song tonight. If you know the story about the Chapman family... you may have heard this song. It is really horrible what has happened to them. But this song is beautiful. And if I were to get married... I would dance with my father to this song.

Days Like Today

It is days like today that I wish I had my mother near me. There are certain times in our lives when we just need the affection of our parents. My father is pretty much incapable of showing me emotion. He tells me that he loves me and takes care of me in every way that he knows how. But being emotional support is something that he does not know how to do. Right now, there is nothing more that I can think of that I want then a hug from my mother. Even though she has not always been there for me like a mother should, doesn't mean that I still don't need her. I wish that things would have gone differently in her life so that she could be here for her children when we need her the most.