Broken

My heart is broken. I know that many think that I am on a "vacation". But to me, it is not a vacation. It is coming home. And it gets harder and harder each time I come back. I have so many different emotions surrounding this place. It was nice to show Scott where I lived.... all of the different places here. But it is hard for many reasons as yall know.

Seeing my brother and sister was amazing. My little brother is finally starting to bond with me and trust me and now I don't know how long it will be until I am able to see them again. The kids have been back with their father since November 9th and all the hard work that my grandmother and aunt and the community did for those kids is down the drain in two weeks. They have completely gone back to the broken children that they were when they moved in with my grandparents. It is a very hard thing to see. It breaks my heart. But I am thankful that their dad is letting us be a part of their lives. It was very hard seeing him. He met us half way to drop off the kids. When I got out of the car he asked me how I was. I really didn't know what to do, so I hugged him. I mean, it is very complicated emotions. He and I also have a history that wasn't all bad. He understood many of the things I went through with mom in the past. He and I were very close at one point in time. But I can't ignore all the things that he did to my mother. His new wife was in the truck both times we dropped the kids off. I smiled at her... but got nothing in return. Whatever... And the kids talk about things with us that kinda makes you think what the hell is really going on up there. But there is nothing that can be done. For whatever reason social services thinks it is the best place for them. We will see in time what happens. The kids are now allowed to send a receive letters from mom. But their councilors give the kids their letters in their sessions. I guess to see how they react. Mom called once while I was here. She did not want to talk to me and told us not to visit. She said it is too hard to see us walk away after the visit. Her choice. But she will regret it I am sure. We drove past where she is a couple of times. It was very hard to think that we were so close, out having fun and she is where she is.

Tomorrow is turkey day. I will be seeing some of my family that I haven't seen in about 7 years. I am nervous. Not sure why, but I am. I am looking forward to eating though! Of course! Scott is going to be helping my grandmother cook. She is excited about that.

This week has gone by so fast. I hope that everyone has a good thanksgiving!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo