You all know how much I am struggling lately with everything in my life. I feel very lost. But I have come to realize that my "cyber" family, turned "flesh" family, really IS my family. I really just want to say thank you to all of you that listen to me bitch non-stop about all my problems. It is more then my real family does.
As many of you know, I received a letter from my mother this week. It was a very hard letter to read. To see what she thinks of me. I know that it wasn't all her in that letter. And while I was reading it, I could see her mental illness coming through. I know in my heart that she did not mean to hurt me. Although I have been told by some that she is trying to bring me down with her. I really don't think that is the case. I think that she just doesn't know how to be therapeutic in my time of need. And perhaps I am being a bit selfish to expect that from her right now. As she has said, she is fighting for her life right now and battling her own demons. She really can help me through with my shit right now. But that hurts also. I really don't know what I expected from her. I guess maybe since she has battled with depression for so long, she would understand my feelings. Instead I was told that I am acting like a spoiled brat. I can't help it that I feel things a certain way. And when I feel it, I can't control it. I feel as if I don't know myself right now. I am disgusted with myself on so many levels of my life. I hate feeling so empty and lonely even with great people around me.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
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5 comments:
I understand how you feel like there is a strange discrepancy between cyber friends and flesh friends. My flesh friends have really let me down recently. So im glad my cyber family is becoming a flesh family. I need it right now too. Your feelings are always valid, remember that. And when dealing with mental illness...as hard as you may try and as much as you WANT to help, you really cant change what the mental illness does and how it controls people. And mental illness is NEVER logical. Time will be your friend in this, as will we.
A hug for you too
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Honey you are not being a spoiled brat believe me. I agree with Uree, time will be your friend!!!
You guys are really all that I have right now...I have my family as well but it is so different with friends.
Keep your head up sweetie!!
xoxo
My mother made me prepetually hold my toung.
When she died I swore, No more obligations, no more doing things I didn't want to do. The first thing I did was punch the nuts off an "innapropriate" cousin in front of the whole family. I don't do obligations, hold my toung, or anything else that makes me uncomfortable anymore. I m an adult, I do or don't do what I want. If my family doesn't understand that, too fucking bad. I don't tollerate emotional vampires, monitary vampires or people blaming me, or expecting me to bail them out for their misfortunes. I made it obvious when I moved 4 hours away to the woods.
NOW Lexy... Who's your LeaderDog?
Who's life is it?
How much stress is put on you because of choices YOU didn't make?
Thats what I thought....
Go buy yourself a new bracelette for christmas. One with charms on it. Each charm representing each one of us. Your cyber family....
*dibs on the boxing glove charm*
Im the same my flesh friends are slowly dissapearing. Whether its because of me or not i dont know but i feel much more happier when i am talking to you all.
I cant understand what you must be going through but i hope you can keep your head held high and be strong no matter what is going on.
I know its hard something like this to deal with but stay strong and know you have people who love and care for you. People you never even met, isnt that wild?
Your mom is sick and thats not her fault. Shes locked up and dealing with her own shit and yes she wants you to be right there next to her if not in her place feeling her shit as well.
STAY STRONG
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