Latest Update

Scott is home from the hospital. But, he was not given the results of the biopsy. They did not preform the lung biopsy. He has an appointment with an oncologist next week. So, needless to say. I am very confused as to what is going on out there...

First of all. I want to know why they did not do the other biopsy. I mean, seems like regardless of the results of one they should want to do both. Or, maybe Scott refused and is not telling us. I am not sure.

They said that we would have the results of the biopsy today.... so why did they not tell Scott anything today? But, by giving him an appointment with an oncologist seems to me that the tumor was malignant... so why wouldn't they just tell him that before he left the hospital. Or, is that just something else Scott is lying about.

Scott told me today that his mother wants him to move home if it is the melanoma. He said that he wants to stay in Arizona. She said that she would move out there to be with him. Now, he says that he doesn't want her to do that. But, I personally think that it wouldn't be that bad of an idea. If things start to go badly, he will need that support. I love him and miss him very much, but I don't think that I can handle him moving back to Louisiana. I hope that does not sound selfish of me. But, I really believe it would be bad for us both to go down that road again. And, I know myself. If he comes home to Louisiana, I am going to want to take care of him. Because that is just how I am. I can't help it. But, I really like the direction my life is going here at the moment. I don't want that to be hurt by this situation.

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!! Why is life so damn confusing? Seriously? WHY?

How I Feel

Lyrics... (take most notice to the bolded words)

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didnt know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try
I will try wipe the tears from my eyes

I'm beautifully broken and I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

Every day is a new day I'm reminded of my past
Everytime theres another storm I know that it wont last
Every moment I'm filled with hope
cause i get another chance
But I will try I will try
Got nothing left to hide

Without the highs and the lows
Where will we go?
Where will we go?

I am beautifully broken, I am beautifully broken
I am beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

Big Thanks

I just want to say thank you to all of yall for being so understanding, and caring. It really means so much to me. I know that I tend to pull away when bad things happen to me. I don't want that to worry yall at all. That is just how I deal with things. I just need time to let things soak in before I am really ready to talk about them.

Ollie, you have been texting me... checking up on me. Means so much to me to know that you are thinking of me... and I am actually waiting for you to call right now. LOL. Will be in about 15 minutes I will be talking with you.

Heather, you are so understanding. And also checking in on me to see how I am doing. I really appreciate all the good thoughts you send. You are an amazing friend.

Uree and Crystal, I know that I have not called either of yall. It is just that I have been busy when yall are up and when I am up, yall are sleeping. I hate this schedule and can't wait to get back to normal. Uree, you always give me my space. I am pretty sure that we are just to that point, that you know this about me already. I love you both so much.

Update.....

I talked to Scott and his mother today. She actually was able to give me more information then he did. He tends to leave things out sometimes. He had a CT guided biopsy of the tumor on his kidney today, which is the size of a peach. They also did more CT scans, an MRI, and a bone density scan. This morning he had to receive two units of blood because his blood count was low. Tonight he is to have a biopsy of the tumor in his lungs, which is the size of an egg. Scott also mentioned that they also believe that he may have some small tumors on his spinal cord. I asked him if they said anything further about this, he says no. He still can not keep any food down, and this just baffles me because I can not figure out the relationship of this to what is going on in his body. I told him this morning, that it sounds like we need Dr. House on the case! He seems to be in good spirits though. But I think he was just happy because he talked them into giving him Demerol. When I spoke to his mother she told me that they offered Scott to go on the Interferon treatment again, he refused. I do understand him not wanting that drug. It has HORRIBLE side effects. My dad was on it for two years for his Hep C, but it was small doses, and that made him sick. When Scott was taking it, he was on high doses five times a week. It made him very ill. He felt as if he had the flu for a month. This is also the time that he became suicidal. Was very scary times for the both of us. I was trying to go to school, work, and take care of him.

So, as of right now. I am just waiting to hear from him tomorrow. I really want to stay positive and wish for the best. But, yall, I have done so much research on this disease when he was first diagnosed... and it is very scary. And I am not sure whether he will want to do the treatment. And a part of me also understands that. So, I am just waiting.

Lost in Confusion.... Again

So, last week I got a phone call from Scott. He told me that he had not been feeling well. He said that he couldn't eat, and when he did eat he would often throw up. He told me that he also has a rash on his chest that just won't seem to go away and has been there for months. Then he told me that he had a "spot" on his arm. Possible mole, he said. But he couldn't really see it because it was on one of his tattoos. Well, as many of you know. Three years ago, Scott was diagnosed with stage three melanoma. So, when he started telling me all these things, I went into "freak out" mode. I told him that he MUST go see a doctor. Because when he was going through treatment, he just stopped. He has not been doing is regular CT scans, which he should have been doing two times a year. He is so damn hard headed. He fears the worst. And it is just like a man to wait. So, tonight when I woke up I had three text messages on my phone. The first one simply said something along the lines of, "I hate waiting in doctors offices. This sucks". I thought, OK good... he went to the doctor. Well, then I open the second one. It said that they found two masses in a CT scan today. One in his lungs, the other on his kidney. I called him. He said that they have not told him anything else yet. But they have admitted him to the hospital and will be doing a biopsy in the morning. His white blood cell count is very low. I want so badly to be able to be there with him. He is all alone out there. That also worries me. I fear that he will not do what he needs to do. The thing with Melanoma that most people don't realize. Once it is systemic, it is often fatal. We thought that he had beat it, because he had done so well after the first two surgeries. But I always had a feeling that this would happen, but tried so hard to stay optimistic. Melanoma is resistant to chemo, which makes it very hard to treat. Scott keeps saying that hopefully the tumors will be benign. And as much as I want that to be the case, I am not so sure. As he has one in his lungs and on his kidney. To me, that means it has metastasized. So I asked him what he planned on doing if they offer him a treatment plan... he said he does not know yet. I really want him to fight this. He has to try. But I am scared that he won't. He became very suicidal the first time. And he had so many people around him at that time. I am very worried about him out there in Arizona all alone. He has his roommates... but I don't know if they will really be able to offer the support that he will need to get through this. I am very scared. And as much as I want to stay positive... it is very hard since we have been here before. I really wish I could just be with him. I know how alone I am feeling right now... I can't imagine what he is feeling.

Waiting for LA

I am getting sooooo bored. I need an adventure. I can not wait for June 27th! Los Angeles, here we come. Can't wait!!!!!!

I am excited to see Ollie again. And of course James! I am also really excited to meet everyone else from the World of Wonder. I hope I get to meet Lenora Claire and Daniel Franzese!!! I would really love to meet Clint Catalyst... but he is always so busy doing stuff, so not so sure that will happen. But, would be awesome if it did!

But, as usual. I am freaking out about clothes. Typical girl stuff... hahahaha. But seriously. I need to go shopping. In serious need of some cute, yet comfy, clothes. Thinking about cute skirts with cute tops and flip flops. Casual, yet still cute. I am going to go kidnap my friend Charlotte and have her help me pick out some stuff. YAY! Only 19 more fricken days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Right Stuff

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

Guess who is coming to New Orleans in October?? New Kids on the Block!!!! And guess who is going to see them?? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! hahahahahaha, I can't fucking wait!!!!



Totally can't wait to be singing along to my fav childhood songs!!

Showin Love

So, I have not been blogging..... but I do know that there is one special brit that checks my blog regularly... and just adds to the reason as to why he is the perfect specimen. LIAM, hunny. I love you!!! xoxoxoxo



Can't wait to have you back in NOLA!!!!

Jonny's Done it Again

YAY!!! A new video by Jonny McGovern. I love him! He is so funny!!!

One Year

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.


I have such mixed emotions about today. Today is the one year mark of my mother shooting Steve. Brings back a lot of scary thoughts and feelings. But it is also a good thing, that means she has also served one year in. Her sentencing was 18 years, but with good behavior, she will only serve 12. So that means only 11 to go. Hopefully they will go as fast as this last year has gone.

I sure do miss her. I sometimes still can't believe that all of this has happened. It is one of those things were you think that it will never happen in your family, but you never know what will happen. I learned that a year ago today. I am really trying to get up there in July to see her. I still have not had a real visit with her. Only through plexiglass and gross jail phones.

Considering how I was feeling about two weeks ago, I am doing really well today. I mean, of course I am thinking of my mother, but I do not feel depressed or alone.

BOOTY BUMPS

OMG!!! Josh is such a dirty lil whore!!!! And James seems to know a lot... how could they not question... hmmmmmmmmmmm

Don't Care What Anyone Else Thinks...

.... I love the new song! Makes me wanna dance! And plus JT is sooooo damn yummylicious! And of course so is Madonna! She is bangin! Woots! Now dance peoples!!! You know you wanna! I can't wait to buy the cd on the 29th!

Comfort Call

I talked to Scott last night on the phone. It was the first real conversation we have really had since he moved away. But it was nice. Of course parts of it hurt. I was crying, he was upset. Things were said like, "Well you were the one that kicked me out" and I had to remind him that he was looking for jobs in other states so it was bound to happen anyways. He says that if we would have stayed together, he would tried like hell to get me to go with him. I know in my heart, and knew then, that I wasn't leaving. As isolated as I feel here sometimes, could you imagine me somewhere else where I truly know no one? But he and I talked about my "craziness" and how I have been feeling. I know that I talk about all the bad parts of Scott. Yes, he is not the most responsible. But I do honestly believe that he is trying to work on that. We have had a very bumpy road together. Tragedy after tragedy, drug addictions, money problems, health issues. We have almost seen it all in the four years we were together. He is a good person. And it hurts because I know eventually our friendship will fade. It will have to. It is hard to stay friends with your ex's. Just to complicated. But, I needed him last night. And he was there. It was very comforting.

Alone

I often times feel so very alone. Even though I am surrounded by people that love me. I can't help it. I have these moments where I feel like nothing can be fixed. There is nothing that anyone can say or do. I just need to feel it out. I know that I am not alone in this world. I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life that love and care for me. But lately, I have just had this feeling of worthlessness and lonliness. I can't seem to shake it. Has been going on for a little over a week now. Yesterday was the Columbine anniversary and it has struck me hard this year. Part of it is my own fault. I got so wrapped up in watching clips of Eric and Dylan on youtube. And then when I got home I watched Bowling For Columbine... which I usually do on that day every year. I had nightmares all night about murder... blood everywhere. I did not finish the movie last night. But I will not be watching the rest of it tonight. The one year mark is also coming up for the events that happened with my mother. I just feel lost right now. I can't explain it, and I don't know how to fix it. I think that I do it to myself many times. But once my brain starts on something, it is hard for me to turn it off. I become obsessive to the point of driving myself crazy. And without Scott here to stop me, he usually was pretty good of making me snap out of it, I feel like I am sinking. I consider many of you my good friends... but Scott was not only my boyfriend. He truely was my best friend. He understood me like no one else did. And in times like these... I miss him very very much.

I didn't want to post this... I have been debating for a week if I should post how I have been feeling. I am not looking for sympathy. I guess I really just wanted to get it out.

Remember Columbine

Today is the 9 year anniversary of the Columbine shootings. I just can not believe that it was 9 years ago. I attended Columbine High School for one semester of my freshman year. But I also went to elementary school with some of the people that went to CHS. I will never forget the day of the shootings. The fear and uncertainty. The confusion of it all. I knew both of the killers, they rode my school bus and lived in the neighborhood behind my grandmothers. I also knew one of the girls killed. Lauren Townsend. I went to elementary school with her. I have pictures of us as children at birthday parties. She was so smart. She was on her way pf being valedictorian of her graduating class. When I went to the Columbine Memorial I stood next to her inscription for the longest time. Her was in the direction of the mountains. The memorial is such a beautiful place. They did a really good job on it. It was hard not to cry there.



This day changed my life forever.

Life Legacies

This is the b-day card I got from my grandma yesterday. Totally made me tear up! I love this card!!!

Live Deep

Never stop learning, playing,

or finding wonder

in the world around you.

Live the length of your life,

but live the depth of it as well.

Travel Light

There is no use in carrying around

worry and regret.

They only weigh you down.

Always keep yourself open

to hope and love.

They give us wings.

Forgive Imperfections

In yourself and others.

Imperfections keep things interesting.

They're the cracks

where the light shines through.

Own Beautiful Things

And not just to keep in the drawer,

tucked away for a perfect day.

Surround yourself with the things

that make you happy,

that remind you of the beauty all around us

if we only keep our eyes open to it.

Make Mistakes

Follow detours. Sometimes it takes an unexpected turn

to help us find the life

that is waiting for us around the bend.

Trust yourself and the path

that is meant for you.

Take Care of Yourself

And sometimes that means

you need the ice cream.

Be good to your body,

but also to your mind and spirit.

You are the only one that can.