It Never Fails

Now I know that my life is not that bad. I really am tired of complaining to everyone all the time. I hate that my blog has turned into a pity party for me. I know that it could be much worse then it is. But damn it, I am so tired of being stressed out. And it seems that everyday it is something else that is stressing me out!!!

Last night... wait, let me correct that. This morning at 2:30 Scott decided to tell me that he had his first over the phone job interview with the people in Florida. He said that he should be having another phone interview this week and if that guy likes him, he will be flying out for an interview. Now, they are offering him $5,000 to move. They are also offering to pay $5,000 of his student loans a year and to pay for him to go back to school if he wants to. Now, I know what a good deal this is. I would never tell him not to take it. But, he wants me to move with him. He said that it doesn't have to be permenant. That we could just rent our house out to either his mother or his father. But I have major problems with this. Let's see. Where do I start.

1. I do not want to move somewhere where I have no friends or family. I moved to Louisiana to be with my dad when he got sick. He is doing good now, but I do not want to leave him. He means the world to me and even though I have been acused of not being a good daughter...several times, I still love my father and can not imagine being that far away from him again.

2. I love my job. I have a very unique job. My pay isn't the best, but it is a state job which is known to have awesome benefits, and I do! If I leave, I will also be leaving all that behind and I can not be reasurred that when I come back I will be rehired here. I have formed relationships here with my co-workers and also the students. I am looking forward to watching them grow up and graduate. I plan on staying here a long time.

3. I have moved around my whole life. I am tired of it and just want to be settled. When I got my house I planned on it being home for a very long time.

4. My best friend just had a baby. I am his godmother. I planned on being a big part of his life. I want to be there to watch him grow up. I fear sometimes that I may never have kids of my own, so my godchildren are very important to me. I do not want to leave them behind.

I am sure that I could come up with more reasons that I don't want to leave. But you get the point. There is only one reason I would go and that is for Scott. And please don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart. So, does that make me a bad person for not wanting to go with him? It seems that this just the way it goes. It seems that the men always seem to get jobs elsewhere or get transfered and we, as women are just suposed to follow. Well, I do not agree with that at all. I am happy here and that doesn't mean that I couldn't be happy in Florida. But, I just really don't want to leave. But I keep thinking about it. There is a small part of me that kinda wants to go, but my heart tells me that I really wouldn't be happy there. My gut is telling me that I should stay for all the reason's I listed plus many more. I am just so confused. I don't want to lose Scott,but I also don't think that I can handle him being gone. He just got home from being gone for two years. I don't want to have a long distance relationship, but it seems so aweful to break up because of a wonderful job offer. Well, I mean, I guess I am jumping the gun a bit. He hasn't even gotten the job yet. But that is just me. I worry about EVERYTHING! Just in my nature!

But anyways! To get my mind off all the crap, I am going to go see Uree this weekend! I can't wait! I know that Simon and the ghetto mattress miss me!!!!

Animal Lovin..... So Wrong..... So Funny

Time for some laughs on my blog... don't ya think?



The one that really bothers me is the one of the kid getting humped by the dog! No one tries to help the poor kid!!!!

Home Again

So, I got home from my trip Friday. I have been in a funk since Thursday. Too many thoughts going through my head. I don't really feel like being social and I am tired of feeling sad. But, I think I just need to "feel" this out and then I will be back to my cheery happy self again. I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. Not entirely sure what caused it this time. I am too overwhelmed by life and have too many things to think about.

Want to hear the latest on my plate.... My boyfriend has found out that there are no jobs here in Louisiana for him. Even if he finishes that extra year of school. My uncle is a pilot and has been filling his head with thoughts of moving to Colorado. Now I am being pressured to leave. I don't want to. I have moved around my whole entire life. When I got my house, I figured that would be it. I was "home". But I would be lying if a part of me isn't considering it. I would love to be near my brother and sister. But, at the same time I can't imagine leaving my home here in Louisiana. My dad means the world to me. My best friend just had a baby. And I was looking forward to being a major part of his life. All my godchildren are here. Plus all my other friends here. I don't think that I could possibly ever find a "Melissa" in Colorado!!!! I am so confused and really just don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Oh and then, yesterday we go buy a new Christmas tree. A fiber optic one. It was really cute, we decorated it and everything. Well, it fucking breaks!!!!! It is raining and nasty outside. SOOOOOOOoo, when it stops raining, we will have to take ALL the ornaments off the tree bring it back, get a new one and redecorate it!!! This is my life lately! Nothing works out!

I am tired of complaining. I will stop now.

Broken

My heart is broken. I know that many think that I am on a "vacation". But to me, it is not a vacation. It is coming home. And it gets harder and harder each time I come back. I have so many different emotions surrounding this place. It was nice to show Scott where I lived.... all of the different places here. But it is hard for many reasons as yall know.

Seeing my brother and sister was amazing. My little brother is finally starting to bond with me and trust me and now I don't know how long it will be until I am able to see them again. The kids have been back with their father since November 9th and all the hard work that my grandmother and aunt and the community did for those kids is down the drain in two weeks. They have completely gone back to the broken children that they were when they moved in with my grandparents. It is a very hard thing to see. It breaks my heart. But I am thankful that their dad is letting us be a part of their lives. It was very hard seeing him. He met us half way to drop off the kids. When I got out of the car he asked me how I was. I really didn't know what to do, so I hugged him. I mean, it is very complicated emotions. He and I also have a history that wasn't all bad. He understood many of the things I went through with mom in the past. He and I were very close at one point in time. But I can't ignore all the things that he did to my mother. His new wife was in the truck both times we dropped the kids off. I smiled at her... but got nothing in return. Whatever... And the kids talk about things with us that kinda makes you think what the hell is really going on up there. But there is nothing that can be done. For whatever reason social services thinks it is the best place for them. We will see in time what happens. The kids are now allowed to send a receive letters from mom. But their councilors give the kids their letters in their sessions. I guess to see how they react. Mom called once while I was here. She did not want to talk to me and told us not to visit. She said it is too hard to see us walk away after the visit. Her choice. But she will regret it I am sure. We drove past where she is a couple of times. It was very hard to think that we were so close, out having fun and she is where she is.

Tomorrow is turkey day. I will be seeing some of my family that I haven't seen in about 7 years. I am nervous. Not sure why, but I am. I am looking forward to eating though! Of course! Scott is going to be helping my grandmother cook. She is excited about that.

This week has gone by so fast. I hope that everyone has a good thanksgiving!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Confused

I have been so upside down lately. I just don't know what to do or how to feel about certain things in my life at the moment. I have been an emotional basket case for a week. I am trying to snap out of it. I don't like being so emotional all the time. I am seriously crying at every little thing.

First, of course are the issues I am having with my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. But I just feel sometimes that we aren't connected like we used to be. I fear that us being apart for so long has created this problem. I also think that I expect too much from him at times. And I also do not allow him the things that a man should have. He pretty much has no say so in the household things. I am a little too bossy. I know all of these things, but I don't know how to change that part of myself. I have been doing it alone for two years. I am pretty set in how I do things, and now it is all disrupted. He is in New Mexico right now. I kinda like having the bed all to myself again. But I do miss him. I am confused as to what is going on with us right now.

Then, I am also frustrated about money. Who isn't? But my homeowners insurance has over doubled. They say that the rates have gone up because of hurricane Katrina and all the people that did not have insurance is causing our insurance to go up. Well, that just sucks! I mean, I know that I will be fine. But still. I am also helping my boyfriend with money from another situation that we have to take care of, and I am also helping my best friend because she just had a baby and needs a little help. I totally don't mind helping her. I am just way to stressed.

Then, Friday my ex-step dad got the kids back. I talked to my aunt today. She said that my little sister was very excited to go home, but that my little brother was very angry. I think that he is happy to go home, but he has been surrounded by anger his whole life and doesn't know how to really have any other emotion when serious things happen. But, I do worry about him. He told his councilor that he was scared to go home because if something else happens, he won't know what to do. A 9 year old should not be worried about these things. My heart is just so torn. I don't know how to feel towards my ex-step dad and his new wife. My aunt and grandmother went to visit my mother last week. She has said that she doesn't want me to go see her. She doesn't want me to see her like that. Whatever. I saw her two times last time I went home. I think that my last letter upset her. And my aunt did say that my mom and grandma did talk about me in their last visit, but she does not know what mom said. I think that is b.s. I think that she doesn't want my feelings to be hurt. But, I am tired of information being kept from me. I deserve to know. Mom is also upset because her fricken lawyer has changed AGAIN! Trial is in January, and she just got another lawyer. I have a feeling that trial may be postponed. How could it not!?!? I am excited to go home, but I am nervous. I am nervous about seeing my ex-step dad and to meet his new wife. I am also nervous about mom. I really want to go see her, but I don't want to fight with her either. But, I can not wait to hug my brother and hold my sister in my arms. I miss them so much.

Well, I am going to end with that. I am at work, and now have tears welling up in my eyes..... again. I am tired of this. I am tired of feeling so bad. I need to get happy!

New Angel

My new godchild. Little booger just couldn't wait to come out! My friend was scheduled to be induced Tuesday, her water broke Monday 3:30 pm. They had to do an emergency C-section. His cord was wrapped around his shoulder. But, everything was fine until tonight. They were suposed to come home today, but the baby spit up a little bit of blood. So they had to pump his little stomach out with saline, there was no blood. But they are keeping him to make sure that there are no more problems. But, isn't he beautiful? I know that he will be VERY spoiled!! I am just worried about him and my friend right now. I know that she must be very scared.

The Carver Returns

I got bored last night and decided to carve more pumpkins. I really do enjoy it!

The first is a vampire biting a girls neck.

And then my fairy. This one was a bit harder... I almost lost her legs. LOL

SUPER NURSE

I usually love my job. But, this week has been a week from hell. I feel like I am supposed to be super nurse! I am left here alone, which is fine most of the time. But, it is a full moon tomorrow, and let me just tell you that it brings about craziness all week here at my lovely place of work! The kids are absolutely INSANE! And don't even get me started on some of the staff that work here. Lazy and pissed and mad at the world. Oh well, you know what, it is not my fault that you work here. You choose to work here. Deal with it!!! I seriously feel like pulling out all my damn hair right about now.



There are days when I love my job and then there are days like today. And it really isn't the kids so much as it is the lazy staff that work here. I just want to see people care! I mean come on people! We are working with children, special children at that. Some of them are not even wanted at home! And then you wonder why they act out here! I love my lil ones here! I can see myself working here from years to come. I actually can't wait to see my lil babies move on to middle school then high school. I like that part of this job! I mean even just being gone for the summer and then coming back and seeing how much they had grown was amazing! There are parts of my job that I love. It just makes me mad to see so many people work here that really just don't care. It makes me need to be on crazy pills! It drives me insane that people care so less about these children!

The Carvers!

I had a pumpkin carving party this weekend. It was lots of fun.... for the most part. Two of the people that I invited did not bring pumpkins (party poopers)! My best friend and I dug in right away! My boyfriend had a bit of a slow start. We will just say that it is because if the 5th of vodka he decided in ingest that night... but anywho. Here they are.

This is my best friend's pumpkin. She picked the cutest pattern. When she first picked it I really didn't know how it would turn out. But it is fucking adorable!!!



This is mine. The pattern I was going to do was just too complicated to do while drinking, so I picked this one cause it reminded me of Mardi Gras masks!!!



I was unable to take a picture of my boyfriends pumpkin because he decided half way through to slam it on the kitchen table. Why did he do this..... maybe because he turns into an idiot while drinking... who knows. Did kind of upset me. But, oh well. Just a pumpkin. Next year, he will not be invited! LOL.

Beyond Aggravated

I am so sick of finding out secrets that people are keeping from me! I have just had a horrible week and it is only Wednesday! I found out that someone I love was keeping ANOTHER secret from me. This person doesn't seem to understand the bigger picture to me. If they are keeping this stuff from me, what else are they not telling me. And, these secrets that I am finding out are not little secrets either. The latest has to be one of the dumbest fucking things I have heard in a long time! Let's see if you can figure out what this person was doing..... Upon questioning of how this person came up with the money to buy a playstation 3 and a Xbox 360, plus numerous games..... I get a look. You know, a look like I really don't want to tell you why are you asking me this, that kind of look. Well, there is one way that I know of to make quick money! I don't care if people do it, but not someone that I love and that I want in my life forever. I feel that when this person does this, they are not thinking of me and our future together. It hurts. It feels like I am not important. I am lost right now and really don't know what to say or what to do.

Hey Jude

I had the most fabulous weekend full of bunches of fun!!! My night started by a relaxing drive out to visit my Melissa. We started out the night with a wonderful dinner at The Cheesecake Bistro. We both had a mudslide, shared some yummy crab bake, and had redfish for dinner.

We then went to see one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. Across the Universe. I love musicals and I love The Beatles. It was a perfect fit for me. I had no one to go with, so I dragged Melissa along, even though I really didn't know the whole story line. We were both totally thrilled with the movie!! There were plenty of cameos! Including Salma Hyak, Bono (love!), Joe Cocker, and Eddie Izzard! The movie was so artsy! I loved how the did the Beatles songs! It was just plain brilliant!! Here is one of my favorite sequences.



After the movie we went back to Melissa's and sat on her balcony and just chit chatted til early morning. Then, I got to sleep on the ghetto mattress!! It was fabulous!!!

I was awoken in the morning by Melissa's phone ringing! And who was it..... SHELLY!!!!! I had not gotten to talk with her since our trip to Dallas! It was so good to talk to her! As she is in nursing school right now, and I know how very stressful it is. I love this girl, and it was the perfect way to start a day! Shelly and the ghetto mattress.... who could ask for more!?!?!

We then went to pick up Melissa's friend to have breakfast at the cutest little place, La Peniche. I had the best breakfast I had in a long time!!!!

We then decided to walk around the french quarter and do some shopping, stopping at Margaritaville for drinks and the deadliest chocolate dessert ever!!!

Back to Melissa's where we decided to watch a movie and order some pizza. Then, in the middle of the movie... who should call....... dear Liam! Ohhhh, ladies and fellas, let me just tell you that he has the sweetest voice ya ever dear hear!! And is just as sweet as pie!!! I can not wait to meet this handsome sweet brit!!!!

And that sums up my weekend. It was very relaxed and fun! I enjoyed my time with Melissa and I know this is just the very beginning of our weekends together!!!

Endless Love

My teddybear is finally coming home! After two years of being away at school. Sure, we saw eachother on average every 3 months. But, it is so good to know that he is coming home. Now I am just sitting here at work, waiting to get off so I can go home and be with him. He should be arriving around the same time as I get home. He is having one of his friends come over to help him with some of the stuff in the U-Haul. So, I can't have my way with him right away.... dammit.

Hoppity Hop

Leap frog anyone?

Gimme More Filthy Whore

OMG, this is some funny shit! If you don't think it's funny.... oh well.... Hahahaha

Thanks Perez Hilton!

How Can you Not Love the Gay Pimp?

Sure..... he may be a little "over the top" as they say. But, I just can't help myself. I love Johnny McGovern!!!!