Life's Hurdles

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. It started off with drama between my mother and my grandmother. I love both of these women dearly. And my Nana does not want me to be stuck in the middle of their argument... but when it comes to my mother, I have no choice. I feel like when she calls, I have to answer. I feel like many times, I can not tell her what I really think because I do not want to upset her or hurt fer feelings. I believe that I am the only one that she really trusts. And that hurts me, because I am not honest with her most of the times. But I am scared of upsetting her and I don't want her to feel alone in this world. I could go on and on about this subject... but I will not. It only upsets me, and there are thoughts in my head that should stay there.

Wednesday my father got into another motorcycle accident. He blacked out and went in the ditch. He states that he felt fine all day and had no warning that he was about to pass out. He was about to turn into the driveway, turned his blinker on. Then the next thing he knew, he woke up in the ditch not knowing where he was or what had happened. When the EMT's got there, of course, he refused to go to the hospital. So, he went to the doctor today. They thought that he may have passed out because of his pace maker, but that was not the case. They do not really know what happened. But, they think that his blood pressure may have dropped. My father has low blood pressure to begin with because of the medication he takes for his heart failure. So, they have decided to cut back on some of his medications. He has to monitor his blood pressure daily and is not allowed to drive. He is thinking of selling his motorcycle. I think that it is a good idea that he not ride anymore... but that is hard for me to say. That is my dad's life, motorcycles. That is what he does everyday! I just can't imagine him not on a bike. And I know that he feels the same way. But, he needs to do what is best. He was just in a wreck two months ago. He has been very lucky both times with no serious injuries... the next time may not be the same outcome. But, I really believe that he has a guardian angel.

Also today Scott had his appointment with his oncologist. Not good news at all. He has stage IV melanoma. Which, is what I feared. They can not do surgery. The tumor in his lung is to close to his heart and they can not take the risk to do surgery. All they can really do at this point is to try to slow the growth and possibly try to shrink the tumors. But as far as curing the cancer, they can not. He still can not eat. He throws up everyday. They do not know why. He is in a lot of pain. They have given him very strong pain meds. I am trying my best to get out there next month. I need to see him. I am so scared for him. I talked to him a little bit ago, and he does not sound well at all. And how could he? I can not imagine what he is thinking right now. He pretty much feels like his life is over. I can not imagine this world without him. He is my best friend. He knows me inside and out. No one will ever understand me the way that Scott does. I am just so scared. I have to stop now... I am getting all upset again.