ASSHOLE!!

I have no more time and no more I'm sorry's to say. I trusted someone and called them one of my best friends and I get shit on!!! So... who is this ass you may ask? You guess.

Not that great of an ass, is it? So I am probably really starting the war now. But I don't care. I have tried many many times to reach out to this person. I get hung up on and ignored. Well, FUCK YOU WHITNEY! You are now dead to me! I want my fucking shit back! I think that Whitney and Guy would be perfect for each other. They can give each other tips on how to hurt their hags! Assholes.

This Crazy Thing Called Life

I haven't blogged in a while. Things have been very crazy for me lately. I worked 60 hours this week. I am so tired. It was not by choice and it was crazy hours. Working til 11 pm then having to be back at work at 7 in the morning. I am just so wiped out!! There are serious things going on that I can not comment on. But I can say that I am very tired!!!

My mother's trial is coming up very soon. Less then a month! I have worked it out with work to be able to take the time off. And I wasn't going to go, but I have decided that I need to go. Not just for her, but also for me. I need to hear her side of the story. I need to suport her no matter how much she has hurt me in the past. She is still my mother and I love her. I need to be there for her.

Things with Scott and I are going fine. We are still friends. However, I know that this will change once one of us starts dating. I know that I am not planning on dating for a while. I can't even be bothered to shave my legs lately. I don't think I need to be dating. LOL

I am looking forward to Febuary though. I seriously will need it, and it will be two weeks after my mother's trial. I'd say it is very much needed!!! I am so excited to see everyone again!!! Crystal, you have seriously become one of my closest friends. I cherish what we have! Shelly, you my dear are one of the most honest, straight forward, creative people I have met in a very long time! You are so sincere, but can also have a serious conversation and still crack a joke and be spot on!!! I am also looking forward to seeing Rhonda again!! I have not talked to her since Dallas and we totally hit it off! I can't wait to party with the rock star that makes shit happen! And Troy, can't fucking wait to see in that straight jacket! (He will be getting a spanking from me!! tehe) Liam, Annieka, and Ollie.... can't wait to meet yall!!! You have always been so sweet and always there for me when I need to vent! God, the fun we are all going to have!!!!! Plus, the newest addition. OMG. I can't fucking wait!!! Melissa my dear, you know how much you mean to me! I will be seeing you soon!!!! New Years at the River with Troy!! Can't fucking wait!!!!!

OK... I did not mean for this post to become all fucking "mushy". Come on Shelly, let me know how ya really feel about all my mushy talk!!!!!

Moving On

So an update from yesterday:

Scott is moving out.... as I type this. But last night went very smooth. No fighting. He had me open my Christmas presents. We ate dinner. He slept in the bed. Got up at nine and started packing his truck.

I am still shocked that this is all happening. And when I read the post I made yesterday, WOW. I was pissed! It wasn't just the whore that he went out with. It was a group of people. I think I made it sound worse then it really was. Doesn't matter. The whore is mad at me for hanging up on her. Blah blah blah. I could care less about her. Never really liked her from the begining. But, I am hurt that all of this is ending. It is bittersweet. Scott and I have really been through a lot together. I think it was all the fucked up shit that kept us together so long.

I know in my heart, no matter how much it hurts, that this is the right move for me. I know that I can do it without him here. I did it for two years. But I would be lying if I said that I won't miss him. This is such a confusing time for me. I am happy, relieved, sad, and still mad all at the same time.

Today May Be the Day

I have a feeling that Scott and I are about to split. We both had separate plans last night. I went out with my cousin, and he went out with a whore and her friends. Why do I call her a whore? Well, for starters she married one of Scott's brothers and had two kids. Divorced him, married a different brother and had another kid. Got divorced. Married another man... not one of Scott's brothers, and had another kid. No longer has any of her kids. I think she said because she went back to school, or whatever. I don't really know. Anyways, so he went to a bar with her. I went to a play with my cousin. I asked him if he would be gone all night, he stated no. I also gave him $40 so that he could drink. Scott is a big boy, and $40 at a bar is nothing for him. So, anyways. 3:00 am rolls around. He is still not here, so I go to bed. I figure he would be home soon. I wake up at 5:30 am, still not here. I try to all. Phone off. I leave a message. 6:3o rolls around. Now I am starting to get worried. So I call his mother for the "whore's" phone number. I tell her what is going on, she gives me the number. I call, she doesn't answer. I leave a message. Another hour passes. His mother calls me back and says that Scott is at the whore's house. The whore's sister told her that Scott "overdid" it last night and they took his keys and he slept at the whore's house. So, I call him. Leave another message about how pissed I am that I didn't even get a phone call from him! Well folks, it is almost 11:30. I still have not heard from him. I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS KIND OF CRAP!!! I am too tired mentally to deal with this shit. And I swear to God, if he slept with her, I will never fucking touch him again. I don't mean in a sexual way. I literally will never touch him again!

Who Have I Become?

You all know how much I am struggling lately with everything in my life. I feel very lost. But I have come to realize that my "cyber" family, turned "flesh" family, really IS my family. I really just want to say thank you to all of you that listen to me bitch non-stop about all my problems. It is more then my real family does.

As many of you know, I received a letter from my mother this week. It was a very hard letter to read. To see what she thinks of me. I know that it wasn't all her in that letter. And while I was reading it, I could see her mental illness coming through. I know in my heart that she did not mean to hurt me. Although I have been told by some that she is trying to bring me down with her. I really don't think that is the case. I think that she just doesn't know how to be therapeutic in my time of need. And perhaps I am being a bit selfish to expect that from her right now. As she has said, she is fighting for her life right now and battling her own demons. She really can help me through with my shit right now. But that hurts also. I really don't know what I expected from her. I guess maybe since she has battled with depression for so long, she would understand my feelings. Instead I was told that I am acting like a spoiled brat. I can't help it that I feel things a certain way. And when I feel it, I can't control it. I feel as if I don't know myself right now. I am disgusted with myself on so many levels of my life. I hate feeling so empty and lonely even with great people around me.

NO CHUBBIES

Scott and I saw these commercials when we were in Colorado. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing on TV. These commercials are for a gym where they throw cupcakes at you and call you fat to motivate you to lose weight. I am not so sure that this would work for me....







Here is their blog.
http://theantigym.blogspot.com/

It Never Fails

Now I know that my life is not that bad. I really am tired of complaining to everyone all the time. I hate that my blog has turned into a pity party for me. I know that it could be much worse then it is. But damn it, I am so tired of being stressed out. And it seems that everyday it is something else that is stressing me out!!!

Last night... wait, let me correct that. This morning at 2:30 Scott decided to tell me that he had his first over the phone job interview with the people in Florida. He said that he should be having another phone interview this week and if that guy likes him, he will be flying out for an interview. Now, they are offering him $5,000 to move. They are also offering to pay $5,000 of his student loans a year and to pay for him to go back to school if he wants to. Now, I know what a good deal this is. I would never tell him not to take it. But, he wants me to move with him. He said that it doesn't have to be permenant. That we could just rent our house out to either his mother or his father. But I have major problems with this. Let's see. Where do I start.

1. I do not want to move somewhere where I have no friends or family. I moved to Louisiana to be with my dad when he got sick. He is doing good now, but I do not want to leave him. He means the world to me and even though I have been acused of not being a good daughter...several times, I still love my father and can not imagine being that far away from him again.

2. I love my job. I have a very unique job. My pay isn't the best, but it is a state job which is known to have awesome benefits, and I do! If I leave, I will also be leaving all that behind and I can not be reasurred that when I come back I will be rehired here. I have formed relationships here with my co-workers and also the students. I am looking forward to watching them grow up and graduate. I plan on staying here a long time.

3. I have moved around my whole life. I am tired of it and just want to be settled. When I got my house I planned on it being home for a very long time.

4. My best friend just had a baby. I am his godmother. I planned on being a big part of his life. I want to be there to watch him grow up. I fear sometimes that I may never have kids of my own, so my godchildren are very important to me. I do not want to leave them behind.

I am sure that I could come up with more reasons that I don't want to leave. But you get the point. There is only one reason I would go and that is for Scott. And please don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart. So, does that make me a bad person for not wanting to go with him? It seems that this just the way it goes. It seems that the men always seem to get jobs elsewhere or get transfered and we, as women are just suposed to follow. Well, I do not agree with that at all. I am happy here and that doesn't mean that I couldn't be happy in Florida. But, I just really don't want to leave. But I keep thinking about it. There is a small part of me that kinda wants to go, but my heart tells me that I really wouldn't be happy there. My gut is telling me that I should stay for all the reason's I listed plus many more. I am just so confused. I don't want to lose Scott,but I also don't think that I can handle him being gone. He just got home from being gone for two years. I don't want to have a long distance relationship, but it seems so aweful to break up because of a wonderful job offer. Well, I mean, I guess I am jumping the gun a bit. He hasn't even gotten the job yet. But that is just me. I worry about EVERYTHING! Just in my nature!

But anyways! To get my mind off all the crap, I am going to go see Uree this weekend! I can't wait! I know that Simon and the ghetto mattress miss me!!!!

Animal Lovin..... So Wrong..... So Funny

Time for some laughs on my blog... don't ya think?



The one that really bothers me is the one of the kid getting humped by the dog! No one tries to help the poor kid!!!!

Home Again

So, I got home from my trip Friday. I have been in a funk since Thursday. Too many thoughts going through my head. I don't really feel like being social and I am tired of feeling sad. But, I think I just need to "feel" this out and then I will be back to my cheery happy self again. I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. Not entirely sure what caused it this time. I am too overwhelmed by life and have too many things to think about.

Want to hear the latest on my plate.... My boyfriend has found out that there are no jobs here in Louisiana for him. Even if he finishes that extra year of school. My uncle is a pilot and has been filling his head with thoughts of moving to Colorado. Now I am being pressured to leave. I don't want to. I have moved around my whole entire life. When I got my house, I figured that would be it. I was "home". But I would be lying if a part of me isn't considering it. I would love to be near my brother and sister. But, at the same time I can't imagine leaving my home here in Louisiana. My dad means the world to me. My best friend just had a baby. And I was looking forward to being a major part of his life. All my godchildren are here. Plus all my other friends here. I don't think that I could possibly ever find a "Melissa" in Colorado!!!! I am so confused and really just don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Oh and then, yesterday we go buy a new Christmas tree. A fiber optic one. It was really cute, we decorated it and everything. Well, it fucking breaks!!!!! It is raining and nasty outside. SOOOOOOOoo, when it stops raining, we will have to take ALL the ornaments off the tree bring it back, get a new one and redecorate it!!! This is my life lately! Nothing works out!

I am tired of complaining. I will stop now.

Broken

My heart is broken. I know that many think that I am on a "vacation". But to me, it is not a vacation. It is coming home. And it gets harder and harder each time I come back. I have so many different emotions surrounding this place. It was nice to show Scott where I lived.... all of the different places here. But it is hard for many reasons as yall know.

Seeing my brother and sister was amazing. My little brother is finally starting to bond with me and trust me and now I don't know how long it will be until I am able to see them again. The kids have been back with their father since November 9th and all the hard work that my grandmother and aunt and the community did for those kids is down the drain in two weeks. They have completely gone back to the broken children that they were when they moved in with my grandparents. It is a very hard thing to see. It breaks my heart. But I am thankful that their dad is letting us be a part of their lives. It was very hard seeing him. He met us half way to drop off the kids. When I got out of the car he asked me how I was. I really didn't know what to do, so I hugged him. I mean, it is very complicated emotions. He and I also have a history that wasn't all bad. He understood many of the things I went through with mom in the past. He and I were very close at one point in time. But I can't ignore all the things that he did to my mother. His new wife was in the truck both times we dropped the kids off. I smiled at her... but got nothing in return. Whatever... And the kids talk about things with us that kinda makes you think what the hell is really going on up there. But there is nothing that can be done. For whatever reason social services thinks it is the best place for them. We will see in time what happens. The kids are now allowed to send a receive letters from mom. But their councilors give the kids their letters in their sessions. I guess to see how they react. Mom called once while I was here. She did not want to talk to me and told us not to visit. She said it is too hard to see us walk away after the visit. Her choice. But she will regret it I am sure. We drove past where she is a couple of times. It was very hard to think that we were so close, out having fun and she is where she is.

Tomorrow is turkey day. I will be seeing some of my family that I haven't seen in about 7 years. I am nervous. Not sure why, but I am. I am looking forward to eating though! Of course! Scott is going to be helping my grandmother cook. She is excited about that.

This week has gone by so fast. I hope that everyone has a good thanksgiving!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Confused

I have been so upside down lately. I just don't know what to do or how to feel about certain things in my life at the moment. I have been an emotional basket case for a week. I am trying to snap out of it. I don't like being so emotional all the time. I am seriously crying at every little thing.

First, of course are the issues I am having with my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me. But I just feel sometimes that we aren't connected like we used to be. I fear that us being apart for so long has created this problem. I also think that I expect too much from him at times. And I also do not allow him the things that a man should have. He pretty much has no say so in the household things. I am a little too bossy. I know all of these things, but I don't know how to change that part of myself. I have been doing it alone for two years. I am pretty set in how I do things, and now it is all disrupted. He is in New Mexico right now. I kinda like having the bed all to myself again. But I do miss him. I am confused as to what is going on with us right now.

Then, I am also frustrated about money. Who isn't? But my homeowners insurance has over doubled. They say that the rates have gone up because of hurricane Katrina and all the people that did not have insurance is causing our insurance to go up. Well, that just sucks! I mean, I know that I will be fine. But still. I am also helping my boyfriend with money from another situation that we have to take care of, and I am also helping my best friend because she just had a baby and needs a little help. I totally don't mind helping her. I am just way to stressed.

Then, Friday my ex-step dad got the kids back. I talked to my aunt today. She said that my little sister was very excited to go home, but that my little brother was very angry. I think that he is happy to go home, but he has been surrounded by anger his whole life and doesn't know how to really have any other emotion when serious things happen. But, I do worry about him. He told his councilor that he was scared to go home because if something else happens, he won't know what to do. A 9 year old should not be worried about these things. My heart is just so torn. I don't know how to feel towards my ex-step dad and his new wife. My aunt and grandmother went to visit my mother last week. She has said that she doesn't want me to go see her. She doesn't want me to see her like that. Whatever. I saw her two times last time I went home. I think that my last letter upset her. And my aunt did say that my mom and grandma did talk about me in their last visit, but she does not know what mom said. I think that is b.s. I think that she doesn't want my feelings to be hurt. But, I am tired of information being kept from me. I deserve to know. Mom is also upset because her fricken lawyer has changed AGAIN! Trial is in January, and she just got another lawyer. I have a feeling that trial may be postponed. How could it not!?!? I am excited to go home, but I am nervous. I am nervous about seeing my ex-step dad and to meet his new wife. I am also nervous about mom. I really want to go see her, but I don't want to fight with her either. But, I can not wait to hug my brother and hold my sister in my arms. I miss them so much.

Well, I am going to end with that. I am at work, and now have tears welling up in my eyes..... again. I am tired of this. I am tired of feeling so bad. I need to get happy!

New Angel

My new godchild. Little booger just couldn't wait to come out! My friend was scheduled to be induced Tuesday, her water broke Monday 3:30 pm. They had to do an emergency C-section. His cord was wrapped around his shoulder. But, everything was fine until tonight. They were suposed to come home today, but the baby spit up a little bit of blood. So they had to pump his little stomach out with saline, there was no blood. But they are keeping him to make sure that there are no more problems. But, isn't he beautiful? I know that he will be VERY spoiled!! I am just worried about him and my friend right now. I know that she must be very scared.

The Carver Returns

I got bored last night and decided to carve more pumpkins. I really do enjoy it!

The first is a vampire biting a girls neck.

And then my fairy. This one was a bit harder... I almost lost her legs. LOL

SUPER NURSE

I usually love my job. But, this week has been a week from hell. I feel like I am supposed to be super nurse! I am left here alone, which is fine most of the time. But, it is a full moon tomorrow, and let me just tell you that it brings about craziness all week here at my lovely place of work! The kids are absolutely INSANE! And don't even get me started on some of the staff that work here. Lazy and pissed and mad at the world. Oh well, you know what, it is not my fault that you work here. You choose to work here. Deal with it!!! I seriously feel like pulling out all my damn hair right about now.



There are days when I love my job and then there are days like today. And it really isn't the kids so much as it is the lazy staff that work here. I just want to see people care! I mean come on people! We are working with children, special children at that. Some of them are not even wanted at home! And then you wonder why they act out here! I love my lil ones here! I can see myself working here from years to come. I actually can't wait to see my lil babies move on to middle school then high school. I like that part of this job! I mean even just being gone for the summer and then coming back and seeing how much they had grown was amazing! There are parts of my job that I love. It just makes me mad to see so many people work here that really just don't care. It makes me need to be on crazy pills! It drives me insane that people care so less about these children!

The Carvers!

I had a pumpkin carving party this weekend. It was lots of fun.... for the most part. Two of the people that I invited did not bring pumpkins (party poopers)! My best friend and I dug in right away! My boyfriend had a bit of a slow start. We will just say that it is because if the 5th of vodka he decided in ingest that night... but anywho. Here they are.

This is my best friend's pumpkin. She picked the cutest pattern. When she first picked it I really didn't know how it would turn out. But it is fucking adorable!!!



This is mine. The pattern I was going to do was just too complicated to do while drinking, so I picked this one cause it reminded me of Mardi Gras masks!!!



I was unable to take a picture of my boyfriends pumpkin because he decided half way through to slam it on the kitchen table. Why did he do this..... maybe because he turns into an idiot while drinking... who knows. Did kind of upset me. But, oh well. Just a pumpkin. Next year, he will not be invited! LOL.